1987: Out of my mother’s vagina I came tumbling in the world (read: Franklin, Tennessee)
1989: My parents uprooted me from my only known home, dragging me from the country beauty of Tennessee to the disastrous city of Cincinnati
1992: My first grade teacher tells my mom that I will eventually be the CEO of a large company (she is wildly perceptive)
1993: I win a million straight games of the multiplication game, Around The World. Suck it, Stewart Meeker.
1994: I receive in-school counseling for some very strange anxieties that will later lead to a lifelong dependency on Celexa.
1995: I earn a B+ on my fictional short story, “Marvin Freckle Face Junior.” Due to completely warranted disappointment, I cry.
1996: The family dog, Toto, whom we found in a blizzard in our church parking lot, dies tragically. (Eh, he mostly just dies)
1999: I get braces and also throw up in the hallway of my middle school and blame it on an unsuspecting stranger. It is one of the few dishonest moments in my life.
1999-2003: I develop a sincere and terrifying obsession with *NSYNC and orange soda. Both continue into my twenties.
2003: Somebody introduces me to The Beatles and Bob Dylan. (not, like, the actual people)
2004: I watch Almost Famous and decide I’d like to be an amalgamation of William Miller and Penny Lane.
2005: I am accepted into a mediocre state school. I make out with all of the boys I can find at this school, holding my virginity like a weapon.
2007: I start writing inane columns for the school’s entertainment paper, and nobody notices.
2008: I start hosting a radio show for the school’s radio station, and nobody notices.
2009: I am accepted into a prestigious post-graduate teaching program, and my mother notices.
**Also, my college boyfriend breaks up with me for a volunteer program.**
Late 2009: I move to Nashville, where I realize that high schoolers are awful human beings who should be sent to another planet for school.
2009-2013: I teach children how to read and write and question my ability as a working human. I meet a lot of indie bands and say the phrase “I need to get a new job” a lot. I start writing lots of things that almost nobody reads.
**2012: the second family dog, Scooter, passes.
2013: I decide to get a new job as a full time freelance writer, only to find myself wallowing in unfathomable loneliness.
Later in 2013: I begin working with Teach For America alumni and continue writing.
2014: I get married to a hot dude.
2015: I’m still married to that hot dude, working for the man, and writing my face off.