A One Sided Conversation With A Friend Getting Rich

by lizriggs

Money

Hello, dear friend! Bonjour!

It is both humbly and halfheartedly that I commend you for your slow but sure crawl into the next tax bracket! I know that this is partially due to your live-in boyfriend and his position in some sort of mysteriously indescribable “sales” position, but alas, you too get to experience this vast wealth which allows you to dine whimsically at any restaurant of your choice on any day of your choice draped in silk cloths you bought off of a European monarch!

You say, what, now? It’s not totally him (that’s great!), but your paychecks are three times they size they were when you were 23? Well isn’t that positively heartwarming! Shouldn’t everbody’s be?! I know mine is(n’t)!

I’m so thrilled you’re getting ready to purchase your own home. I remember just a few short years ago when we took that old Tito’s bottle (read: Popov) and turned it into a piggy bank so that we would have coffee money for certain weeks. And now, look at you. Getting ready to build equity and servants and the such. La vie!

You think you’ll settle down in that neighborhood? Of course I’ll come visit. It’s totally gentrifying, and you’re right, I bet there will be a Panera there soon enough. Their bagels are delicious and, man, those summer salads.

Jealous? Oh no! I’ve settled upon my career of freelance writing/poverty quite happily, and it is with great gusto that I will fill my days with Internet tab-hopping, editor-stalking, and sending off pitches to dying print magazines that will likely be ignored. But I can do it from my couch! Or the upholstered couch on my porch! Or the bar!

Oh, the bars. Those were the good ol’ days weren’t they? When sometimes I would pick up the tab for four collective beers because the paycheck  just rolled in and having just graduated college it seemed like we were just sleeeeeeping in money? Well, now you get to be my emergency credit card! LONG HAIR DON’T CARE!

You opened a wha!? A 401K?! What does the K stand for, anyhow? Thousand? Karrots? Kardashian? I’m totally jealous that you’ll be rich when you’re old and be guilted into giving most of the money away to your grandchildren. No, me, I don’t have a 401K. I’m not totally sure what it is, but yes I took my savings and used it to help pay for that amazing armoire you see in the living room of my house I share with three boys I met on Craigslist!

Of course I’ll come to you to chat financial wisdom as soon as I save up enough quarters to open up a mutual fund/college fund for my unborn and not yet conceived child/401z. I would love to meet your banker. How does your bank feel about overdrafts? Do they have lollipops? I love swinging by banks that have lollipops. Makes the whole, “Here’s my 20 dollar deposit” feel so much more worth it.

No, no. It really is great that you’re doing so well. I can’t wait to see your Instagram pictures from your trip overseas/to the moon. Of course I’ll be here when you get back! Yeah we should meet up, as long as I’m around! My parents told me they’d front me some gas money if I wanted to come see them next month, so I’ll be taking them up on that and heading to scenic Ohio for a little R&R!

Of course, it was totally lovely running into you too here at this free park. Oh no no, I don’t live here. I just set up camp here sometimes because the WiFi signal from that coffee shop extends just over the hill there, and it’s a great workspace, don’t you think? Oh you’re just here to pick up your dogs who are with the dog walker? That’s darling. Are they purebred? Silly of me to ask; of course they are. Well, I should probably be packing up. I’ve got a meeting with nobody important and we’re going to drink water at it, so it should be a bit of a doozy. Better go get prepared!

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