Questions I Have About The Upcoming *NSYNC Reunion
1.WHAT WILL THEY PERFORM?
This is the obvious question on everybody’s mind. I mean, certainly, the boys (I MEAN MEN) need to do some sort of medley, don’t they? They’ve been on a hiatus, yes a hiatus, for over 10 years; they can’t just pick one song can they? But what if they did? What song would it be? Would it be “Bye Bye Bye,” arguably their greatest hit? Or would they go like, super retro *NSYNC on our asses and throw back to “I Want You Back” or “Tearin’ Up My Heart?” Would they transition straight into “It’s Gonna Be Me” if they play “Bye Bye Bye” first? DO THEY HAVE NEW MATERIAL? Will they start off with a JT solo song then blend straight into a mess of *NSYNC’s greatest hits which would be so long because all of the songs are hits! What if the second half of the 20/20 Experience is actually a brand new *NSYNC album? Is the world even ready for that? I DON’T THINK THE WORLD IS READY FOR THAT.
2.What will they be wearing?
Will Justin Timberlake be wearing a slim fitting suit while the rest of the guys rock some outdated Fubu gear and Chris Kirkpatrick tries to resurrect his Fuman Skeeto clothing line?! Will they do throwback style— back to the days of flattened platinum locks and pubes disguised as dreadlocks?! Will they dress up like marionette dolls and descend from the ceiling on strings? Will JT do his hair curly again? What if they’re all matching? What if they are all dressed up in Justin Timberlake costumes, so it’s like five tiny Justin Timberlake man-boys just dancing around? What if they’re just NAKED!?!
3.How Sharp Will The Dance Moves Be?
For the rest of the crew, dancing has PROBABLY NOT been a daily part of their regimen. I mean, do you really think Joey, Lance and Chris have been putting in that serious choreography shit over the past ten years? Justin obviously has, and we’ll throw JC a bone and say that he has (at least he probably spent some time dancing while he was creating his thirteen-million-member girl supergroup.) But like, are they going to be so rusty that it’s a disappointment? Please don’t be a disappointment! I need this! Millions of 20 something girls who were tweens 10 years ago NEED this. BSB reuniting simply will not suffice. What if the other guys don’t dance at all? Like, what if they just decided on this two weeks ago and Joey hasn’t had enough hours in the day to CrossFit/P90X/Insanity his ass off?! Then, is it even really an *NSYNC reunion at all?
4.Will The Tennessee Kids And/Or Britney Be There?
Will they play as the backing band to JT and then to the rest of the guys? Will the Tennessee Kids play an *NSYNC song? Will they play an instrumental version to “Gone” while the guys walk on stage? Will they even be there? If they are, what will they be dressed like? Will Jay-Z join on stage?! Is Jay-Z in The Tennessee Kids??And what about Britney? She still gets invited to the VMA’s, doesn’t she? Will she be in attendance? Will the cameras repeatedly scan to her face so we can get a play-by-play reaction and wake up to 100,000 GIFs of her face?? What if she gets on stage? Would she ever do that? Would they let her? What if she’s not even there??
5.How Long Have They Been Planning This?
Like, has this been in the works for months and months? Was it even a question the other guys had to think about? Was Lance like, oh, hang on, I need to take a break from pursuing my astronaut hobby and I’ll be there. Or like, let me see if I can cancel my Sirius Radio gig! And Chris and Joey have been hanging by their phones since 2003, obvi. What if this has been in the works for a year and they’re actually going to TAKE OVER THE VMAs?
6.HOW DO THE OTHER BOYS/MEN FEEL ABOUT THIS?
LIKE, ARE THEY EXCITED? THEY HAVE TO BE EXCITED, RIGHT? I mean, just recently, Chris, Joey & Lance were in a pic that JC took while they were all at the JT/Jay Z show, so this must mean that the five are still the best friends that anyone could have, right? So, then, they must be super amped to get to be back ON TOP OF THE WORLD, amirite? Or were some of them (cough, cough, Joey) like, ehhh I don’t want to feel like a has-been, and the others had to swoop in and give him a boy band pep talk that only boy bands could give?
7.What’s it Going to be Like Backstage?
Is JT going to be in a gold covered dressing room with robot servants while the other four are stuffed in a mold-filled closet? Is JT nice to the other guys? Do they all share one enormously homoerotic dressing room where they get dolled up in those weird glitter outfits they wore on the cover of Rolling Stone before they go on stage? Is it awkward because Justin knows EVERYONE and is friends with all the world’s most famous people, and the four other guys just kind of traipse along as his sidekicks like his estranged awkward cousins? OR, are they totally a part of the in-crowd even though they live life like sort of regular dudes now despite the fact that they were once in the world’s most popular musical group? HOW DO I GET BACKSTAGE TO FIND OUT THIS INFORMATION?
8.HOW MUCH ARE THEY GETTING PAID?
Is JT pulling in like three million bucks for this while the others don’t even get free hotel rooms? MTV’s all, oh, sorry Joey! We’ll totally reimburse you for that Southwest Airlines ticket, but the Holiday Inn Express bill is gonna have to be on you! JC probably refused the money in exchange for money for his new chick band because he just realized that funding a group with a hundred million members is going to be ridic expensive. And the rest of the guys were just like, “Yeah man we’ll do it as long as we get to see Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence is gonna be there, right?” I mean, they could have run this idea on Kickstarter anytime in the past 10 years and it would have raised a bazillion dollars in like, three minutes. Grown up teeny boppers with disposable income? Please. *NSYNC FOREVER!