A List of Science Stuff I Don’t Understand

by lizriggs

scientific experiment

I should preface this article by mentioning that I’ve never been one of those people that has a knack for, what do they call it, “science.” It’s not because of religion of evolution or some staunch belief about how the world works, it’s simply that I actually do not understand how most concepts that can be explained scientifically work. I’ve always been a good reader and had a way with words (or so the experts have told me), but when it comes to weather and engineering and technology and medicine and everything that falls in between, my brain turns into a black, blank canvas, as confused as a baby in a delivery room. There are lots of aspects of our world that I can’t quite wrap my brain around, but, here are just a few of them.

1. Cell Phones (Regular phones, even, really)

I suppose this stems from my own inability to understand the way sound travels. But, how am I, a mere mortal, supposed to be some sort of sonic expert? I can get behind the Styrofoam cup tied to string and hung between windows. Sort of. But once we get wires involved, AND THEN UNINVOLVED, my brain is just on the verge of exploding. How is it possible that with WIRES, I can call someone in China and they can hear me IMMEDIATELY? And then, how is that possible without wires? Like, are you kidding me? This is some Harry Potter shit. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON TOUCH SCREENS.

2. Surgery

The world is lucky that I am not a doctor, for OH-SO-MANY reasons. And watching Grey’s Anatomy and House and any other medicine-based show will prove to any run-of-the-mill plebeian that surgeons are a particular breed of brilliant. Can you wrap your head around somebody cutting into you, taking out your heart, and, oh, I don’t know, REPLACING IT? I mean, who are we to play God? And yet!

3. Microwaves

In this confusing list of crazy, microwaves probably make the most sense — even though, to be clear, they still make no sense at all. This is probably because I don’t understand “waves” or “radiation” and could neither define nor identify either thing. But, the fact that I can make a hot pocket in the amount of time it takes to pee is out of this world.

4. Airplanes

They tell me it has something to do with wind, but I think it’s *~*magic*~*! A sort of magical death trap. HUMANS were NOT made to be FLOATING thousands and thousands of feet above the ground! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME GOING ON SPACESHIPS. (Well, just wait a couple and then I’ll speak to that.)

5. Basic Electricity

Hahaha. Please. Save your breath trying to explain this to me. I will just cry/laugh/throw up.

6. Magnets

As far as I can remember, magnets have something to do with the North Pole. Which makes me think of the movie Elf, which makes me realize that I appear to have the intelligence of Buddy the Elf.

7. Television

Whenever I try to wrap my tiny, tiny baby brain around how television works, I can’t help but imagine the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where they send people through the television or whatever. I’ll never be able to comprehend how Chris Harrison can simultaneously show up on my screen and billions of others at the same time even though he was filmed weeks earlier in a place that was thousands of miles away. Please. Don’t break my brain.

8. Space Ships (Landing On The Moon)

After watching this video today, I realized just how implausible it must have sounded back in the 50’s when people were all, “We’re gonna go land on the moon.” Hahaha! What cRaZiEz! The fact that we’ve created a vehicle(?) that can go nearly 3,000 miles per hour is positively mind blowing, but the fact that we can launch it into OUTERSPACE and it can magically land on the moon really is just OUTRAGEOUS. Because, according to “science,” the earth is spinning, right? Round and round, while it also spins around the sun. While the moon spins around the earth. Right? How in the hell do you coordinate all that spinning in the vast infiniteness that is outer space and somehow land on one of those? How? How? How?