Five Signs You Might Have Been A Teeny Bopper (or, Facts About My Childhood)
1.You Were In The Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Fan Club
These wafer thin twins may sport floor-length-trash-bag-dresses and be rejecting marriage proposals from forty-something Frenchmen now, but back in the day, these young actresses/exploited child stars/entrepreneurs/designers/familial breadwinners were the presidents of their very own Fan Club. For a small annual price paid by your parents, you received printed black and white headshots of the two, access to super private information (like their birthday!) and almost nothing else. Now, you find yourself Googling the girls just to see what they’re up to, only to realize the only Olsen doing anything with her life is Elizabeth Olsen, whom you fondly remember as “Lizzie” from the Olsen & Olsen Musical Mystery Series. The Olsen Twins were your first glimpse into the sad realization that the stars, unfortunately, are not just like us ☹.
2.You Own an *NSYNC Marionette Doll (or Bobblehead, or Caboodle, or Blanket, or T-shirt, or Magnet, or ________)
After the group decide to break free of the weighty constraints of 2000’s bubblegum pop music, their No Strings Attached album and metaphorical freedom gave way to a lot of different types of, well, toys. I mean, at this point, who wasn’t looking for an excuse to make dolls of grown men for teenage girls? The dolls were preceded (and followed) by a slew of other terrifying merchandise ranging from lip balm to wall tapestries, and the best teeny bopper had it all. A true twenty-something fan still owns one of these relics and, let’s face it, you’ve probably considered selling it on eBay. Except a real fan would never sell!
3.The Sight of Carson Daly Still Makes you Giggle
Oh, TRL. The show known for broadcasting almost no actual music videos did, however, shoot quite a few teeny boppers straight into full-fledged puberty. Carson Daly’s black fingernails and adorkable stage presence was cripplingly sexy compared to that of the show’s stand-in host (DAVE HOLMES), and we all wanted to be Carson’s VJ. Mhmmm. You probably experienced thoughts of murdering Jennifer Love Hewitt and/or Tara Reid so you could spend your nights and days with Carson, or maybe you just wanted to be a part of the LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE! You wanted Carson Daly to host TRL forever, and the day the show officially went off the air, you and an entire generation of collegiate teeny boppers drank yourselves into oblivion. Now, when your stifled sobs find you all alone, you can turn to The Voice or Last Call With Carson Daly. Neither one is TRL, obvi, but they’ll do. They’ll do.
4.You Know All The Words to a Myriad of Songs Ranging From Destiny’s Child to Sum 41
It’s okay; there’s no need to be ashamed. Beyoncé went on to become queen of the entire world, and Sum 41, well, didn’t one of them date Avril Lavigne? These songs will surface today as background music in terrible places like Michael’s, Hollister, or the lobby of an unfortunate hotel, and you’ll find yourself singing along with alarming perfection, realizing you, also, can’t pay your bills and wondering how you got IN TOO DEEP?! And at long last and most importantly, you’ll find yourself thinking: Why the hell do I know all the words to these songs?
5.You Have a Leonardo DiCaprio Poster You Bought From Spencer’s Gifts
A real teeny bopper was crafting sexts to Leonardo before cell phones existed and Inception had been incepted. You had posters of him from his poker game scene in Titanic plastered to your middle school wall in between an invitation to our 8th grade graduation and a stack of Blink 182 CDs. Leonardo DiCaprio made you realize you had a libido, and you wanted sweet Leo to be a part of it. And there was no sense in buying posters from anywhere besides Spencer’s, because when your mom drops you off at the mall, it’s totally right next to Auntie Anne’s and Hot Topic. You probably still have this poster in your closet somewhere; look harder.