Five Types Of People to NEVER Play Mario Kart With

by lizriggs

Super Mario Kart

1. The Person Who Always Plays With Princess Peach

Being the sole female character in an otherwise male dominated fictional world is no small feat. Especially when you’re a princess. But Princess Peach’s coy little giggle is a horrible nuisance, and her silly little pink dress has no place on the race track. The friend that always wants to be Princess Peach is no friend of mine.

2.The Person Who Knows (AND ALWAYS MAKES) The Rainbow Road Shortcut

We get it. You couldn’t get laid as a teenager and so you learned to Rainbow Road shortcut. To be fair, we all know about it, but most of us didn’t have the time (or lack of social life) to devote to mastering the epic jump until we were in college. And by that time, nobody was playing the N64 version. So, eff off. Nobody wants to play with you.

3.The Person Who Talks About The Koopa Troopa Beach Short Cut (AND CAN’T DO IT)

Oh really? There’s a tunnel shortcut through the cave? And all you need is a mushroom for that extra boost? No shit? NO SHIT. Anyone who’s ever heard of Mario Kart knows about the Koopa Troopa Beach shortcut. It’s infamous for being easy enough to champion but just annoying enough to avoid. (Note: the same person who talks about the Koopa Troopa Beach Shortcut is probably the same person who demands to play with Princess Peach.)

4.The Person Who Suggests You Play in 50 CC Mode

What are we, blind babies?! Who the hell invited you to amateur hour? 50 CC is like bowling with bumpers. If you suggest we play in 50 CC, I will suggest you go home.

5.The Person Who Won’t Play Unless They Get To Be _________

“I’m only playing if I get to be Bowser, bitches!” shouts some wannabe Mario Kart allstar from the bowels of a dorm room. First of all, nobody else wants to be Bowser, so whatever. Second of all, somebody else is going to take Bowser now that you’ve presented this wonderful ultimatum. Perhaps I’d like to be Bowser this time; maybe I’d enjoy a jaunt with a giant spiky shell encompassing my body. Ah, an impasse.

(In order to remain transparent to my loyal fans and readers, it should be noted that I am, of course, almost all of the aforementioned people. Except I would never play with Princess Peach.)