7 Signs I Need to Cancel The Date Before The Date

by lizriggs

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1. He invites you to the suburbs.

Whoa.  What self-respecting 25 year old lives in the suburbs? Are we going to an Applebees?  Do I have to drive on the Interstate to get there?  Um. Not happening. I’m not driving my cousin to soccer practice, and I don’t have a MyPanera card.  (Well, I do, but every time they ask I say no because it’s attached to my car keys and that means I would have to take them out of the ignition in the drive-thru to use it.)

2. There’s an instinctive fear that he might show up wearing cargo shorts.

Since I met him through a friend of a friend of a friend and I don’t know his last name and he played on our 20-something dodgeball team one weekend, I didn’t really get a grasp on his style.  But I could kind of see his nipples through his shirt during that one game, and when we went to the bar afterwards it looked like he had product in his hair.  If he shows up wearing cargo shorts, I’ll have to pretend like someone just died and leave.  Or worse, what if he’s wearing breakaways? Or, the pants that zip off below the knees and turn into shorts but ALSO have cargo pockets?  This nightmare is getting worse.

3. He calls the day before to confirm “plans.”

Kickback.  I barely even realized we had plans.  I thought we were maybe going to get a drink.  And if that fell through, I’d just drink by myself.  In the city.  At a local place.  Not the back bar at Max and Erma’s (Do they even have a back bar?) So, when he calls at 4 pm on Tuesday to confirm your “dinner and drink plans” on Wednesday, you know you’re in too deep.

4. He suggests mini golf as an appropriate first date activity.

I’m not Tiger Woods and I’m not 8.  I don’t want to go to a putt-putt course.  He says he thinks you can bring booze?  Well, that’s simply not true because if there were an activity in this town that wasn’t bar-hopping and you could BYOB, I’d know about it.

5. He asks you to pick him up.

No Thank you.  There’s only a couple of reasons for this, and they’re all red flags.  He doesn’t have a car.  In which case, I’m not sure how I accepted this date in the first place, unless we live in Manhattan, which we don’t.  Maybe his license is suspended.  That can usually only mean he has a DUI or forgot to pay something to someone at some time, both of which are equally poor reasons for not having a valid license at age 25.  Or, he’s too embarrassed by his own car, which means you should be embarrassed of him.

6. He calls you “hun” in a text message.

No explanation needed.

7. You suggest a popular spot, and he’s never heard of it.

When a guy has to Yelp the restaurant you’ve suggested, there’s a very serious night-life knowledge problem.  If he says “never been, sounds good-been dying to go,” that’s one thing.  But to openly admit he has no idea that this cultural mainstay exists means he probably doesn’t realize a lot of other things exist—like regular shorts or non-chain restaurants.

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